And there is a part of me that really doesn’t want to know either.
THE SHIT LIST, YOU WILL EXPERIENCE ALL OF THESE.
GHOST SHIT – You know you’ve shitted. There’s shit on the toilet paper, but none in the toilet.
TEFLON-COATED SHIT – Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don’t even feel it. No trace of shit on the paper. You have to look in the toilet to make sure you did something.
GOOEY-SHIT – This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse 12 times and it’s still not clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your jocks so that you don’t stain them. This kind of shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
SECOND THOUGHT SHIT- You’re all done wiping, and you’re about to stand up when you realise….you’ve got more.
POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD SHIT – The kind of shit that killed Elvis. It doesn’t come out till you’re all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
WEIGHT WATCHERS SHIT – You shit so much, you lose several kilos.
RIGHT NOW SHIT – You had better be within 30 seconds of a toilet. You burn rubber getting to the toilet. Usually it has its head out before you can get your pants down.
KING KONG or CHOKER SHIT – This one is so big that you know it won’t go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A wire coat hanger works well. This kind of shit usually occurs at someone else’s house.
CORK SHIT (also Floater) – Even after the third flush it’s still floating in the bowl. You think « SHIT » how do I get rid of it.
WET CHEEKS SHIT – This shit hits the water sideways and makes a big splash that gets you all wet.
WISH SHIT. You sit there all cramped up in the foetal position and fart a few times, but no shit in sight.
CEMENT BLOCK SHIT – You wish you had a spinal anaesthetic before you attempted this one.
SNAKE SHIT – This shit is fairly soft, about as thick as your thumb and at least a metre long.
BEER AND PIZZA SHIT – This happens the day after the night before. Most of the time your shit doesn’t smell so bad but this one is BAD…. usually this one happens at someone else’s house, and someone is always waiting outside the toilet door.
MEXICAN FOOD SHIT (or Screamer) – You know will know it’s safe to eat again when your arse stops burning.